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Try not to send too many picture jokes as these will take a while to download. JokesDisorder....this one will crack you up...be ready to laugh till you drop... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law, dumbass.  A goner indeed. A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. * At 70 off came the pants. * At 75 it was her bra...and * At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!" Hospital. In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a while, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "£2000 for a male brain, and £5000 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A young boy, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at his childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the male brains, because they've been used." Man Of the Year Awards
and the winner of the man of the year goes to... 
This sent in by Kunle June 2004 Classic Football QuotesI wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"Ian St John "Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" Terry Venables "The Croatians don't play well without the ball" Terry Venison "Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" Kevin Keegan "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose" Kevin Keegan "I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different" Kevin Keegan "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it: you can see it all over their faces" Ron Atkinson "Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" Ian St John "They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil - or even less." Nasser Hussain, Channel 5 "It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." Radio 5 Live "Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..." KEVIN KEEGAN "Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live Did you know...Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death. Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. A snail can sleep for three years. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Butterflies taste with their feet. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. To add Jokes To add further Jokes etc to this site - please scan and email to: Info@design-uk.co.uk© COPYRIGHT 2004 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED : ACE-CLUB.CO.UK |
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